Welcome to another installment of Impulsive Stories! These are brain-to-page stories with minimal editing, and were originally posted on blogspot. Enjoy some oddness!

11. The Snow

Richard stepped off the train as soon as the doors hissed open in front of him. The winter wind bit and tugged at him, swirling the soft, fresh snow around his feet as he stepped onto the platform. Flakes adorned his head and nose and shoulders, and he tugged his coat tighter around his neck to ward off the cold. He watched his breath in the air, coiling fog that soon disappeared into the chill. Lamps on the snow-covered platform did their best to cut the darkness, but only managed to highlight the falling snow. Footprints from the other passengers faded quickly under a fresh coating of whiteness. It was easy for Richard to forget he was not alone. He looked across the bay to the big city, lights in the distance. The falling snow was like a curtain, hiding the city, keeping it from Richard, leaving it forever in the distance. The bay was black. Richard could not see the dark water, he could only see the snow. Behind him, the train screeched to a start and he listened to it roll away, the electric rail sparking, illuminating the night briefly and then plunging Richard back into the darkness, leaving him with the snow. Keeping his grip tight on his briefcase, he walked into the station. Once he got under a roof, he shook as much snow off of his coat and out of his hair as he could. Wet footprints led him into florescent lights and graffiti. He smelled piss and ignored the man asking for his change. He walked back out into the snow. He followed the sidewalk down a set of stairs to the dock. The ferry sat there, lonely and forlorn, waiting. Richard got on.

Richard walked through the city streets. The snow hid the building tops, opening the sky. Richard had the sense of traveling through space passing stars at great speeds. He knew where he was and where he was going, but he was still lost. Nothing is familiar when it is covered in snow.

27th January 2013

12. The Warrior

MIGHT! Is what the warrior screamed at the rushing army. And that is what he got. A beam of something came from somewhere and hit him square in the beefy chest. And all of a sudden it became even beefier. The beef was astoundingly beefy and if you looked at him you would not have even thought it was possible to stick so much beef into one warrior’s chest, but there it was. And he became mighty. Really very mighty and he took on the hordes all by himself and you know what? He won. Totally and completely. He slaughtered the entire army of demon possessed monkey soldiers and he wasn’t even injured at all. So that was pretty cool for him, wasn’t it? But back at the land to the demon monkeys, the families of the slaughtered soldiers mourned. And there was one small child monkey who vowed revenge. He grew up training and got really fierce and vicious and was a really good fighter. Then, years later, he knew he was ready. So he set out to the land of the mighty beefy warrior. It was a long journey and he was really tired when he got there, but he didn’t want to wait any monger. So he fought the warrior right there. It was a good plan, because the warrior happened to be sleeping. And then he happened to be dead, because the monkey thing killed him in his sleep. And then the monkey felt like he had wasted all those years of training. But then he had to fight his way home, so it all worked out. Then in the sequel, the monkey boy took on an evil kingdom, so the training was even more useful. Then eventually he started training warriors, so that was good. And then he went back in time somehow and trained the warrior who killed all of his relatives. That sucked and was pretty weird. But that is how it goes. Sometimes you travel back in time somehow. It’s just the way the world goes.

28th January 2013

13. The Cheese

Jefferson Mathis went to the store and bought a pile of cheese. He went home and sat on it and proclaimed himself the king of the cheeses. He demanded that all the world’s cheese be stamped with his name and that all the proceeds be given to him. Somehow, this actually happened. That’s why all cheese is labeled JM. In time there arose an underground cheese ring. They stamped their cheese slightly differently. They tried to match the stamp but were unable to get the J just right. But still, they fought the power of the cheese king. By this time, the king had used his power to grab lands and had his own country even. And his own army, which is the major point. He also got word of this underground cheese ring and sent spies to uncover it. But the cheese ring was good. They switched bases every few days. Irregularly, so as to not provide any kind of pattern. And they amassed power of their own. And an army of their own. They stole the plans to the cheese king’s secret cheese base. But now, he was the cheese emperor, and had begun to violently seize other nations. The cheese ring, now the cheese rebellion, had to act. They got a major lucky break, too. A plucky young fellow who was the son of an old hero came by. He brought with him the last remaining servant of an ancient order of magical warriors. The cheese rebellion leaders were cool with that. So the time came for the attack on the cheese emperor’s secret giant ass base that everyone could see and everyone knew where it was. They all flew out in cool ships with lasers. They had a big space battle and lots of people died. It’s not clear why they were in space because all of this happened on the same planet, but there you go. If you have the technology, I guess. So they had a space battle, and the plucky young hero finally got through the defenses and zapped the secret cheese empire base and it exploded everything. And then it was a good thing they had space ships, because the secret cheese base was so big that the explosion destroyed the entire planet. Then the rebellion took their planet killing power and became the new empire and started enslaving people and bad stuff, and then it all happened again. The end.

30th January 2013

14. The Assignment

Arnold woke up and ate breakfast. He looked at his clock and sighed. Then he looked at his clock and checked the time. He was on time, like always. He hadn’t changed his routine in seven years. He woke up, ate breakfast, looked at the clock, sighed, looked at the clock, checked the time, then went to work. Work for Arnold was very tedious. Most of it was clean up. His actual job was over is seconds. Arnold killed people for a living. He was good, but his reputation had not yet spread to the point where he had his own cleaners. He had to do the whole thing himself. On one hand, he was sure that it was done correctly. On the other hand, he had to do everything himself. Arnold finished breakfast and walked over to his holo-console. Three assignments popped up, arranged in order of deadline. The top assignment was due today. A very large man with his hands in too many pies was trying to eat another, and Arnold’s client wanted him stopped violently. Arnold suited up. He wore armor over his torso, because you never knew what you were going to get into. He wore sturdy boots for stability. His outfit was all dark grey. He strapped on his guns and then put on his hat. He wore a hat for style. He went out the door.

The very large man was due in the city center at noon. The only way there was the rail system, and that is where Arnold waited. Finally the large man arrived. He was even larger than his holo had appeared. He was a wide as three people, and he smelled like all three had never bathed. Arnold wondered how such a man had become so important, but only briefly. His job was on. He pulled his small knife from his belt and walked up to the large man, making sure to breathe through his mouth. He crouched as if to tie his shoe, and as the target passed, he stood quickly, smashing his head into the man’s chin and driving the knife into his chest. Arnold shoved, but looked like he was reaching out to apologize. The large man staggered and fell on the tracks. Then the next train came and the man was vaporized by the hover treads. Arnold really enjoyed the public assignments. The clean up was unnecessary.

5th February 2013

15. The Author

Another story! Prolific author Rutabaga Jones just spurted them out. Almost secreted them from his pores. It was really gross. He made nasty sucking noises while he wrote. And then he published. He usually wrote five or six hundred stories a year! Everyone was awestruck. Then some writers got jealous, because Rutabaga’s style was so chameleon-y that no one published anyone else’s stories anymore. Rutabaga wrote in all the genres and became the only author anyone ever read. But that was the start of his rise as global then galactic emperor. He started weaving subliminal messages into his writings and people began to believe that he would be great as a world leader and so they made him one. His first act was to request all the cheesecake. He did very much love cheesecake. So he ate it all and became very very fat. Then the world was not big enough, quite literally, it could not hold him, so he had his minions build him a space container and was launched into space and from there, took over the galaxy. It was quite a sight to see. He had the best weapons installed on his container and he floated around blowing things up. To this day, people still rule in the name of Rutabaga Jones, though he has to be dead. That was two thousand years ago. He is totally dead- oh no! there he is! He’s coming to get me! He’s screaming about blasphemy! He is so big! He’s the size of the moons! No don’t get closer! The world can’t take it! Kaboom!

11th February 2013